Thinking of Nikki and Karen, Bob & Ashley and Ma B too...I don't know how you do it. My friend Tess, who just lost her 18 yr old son, I see everything Karen described in her eyes now as she walks the same path. I feel bad when I'm sad because I know my sadness can't begin to touch hers or yours, I wish I could help. I pray for strength & comfort for each of you.

tough one, the day after Father's Day. The pic of Bob wearing the hat is in this thread. I don't know if there's enough ice cream for this one.

Time keeps going...
Posted 17 minutes ago
Today I just wish time would stop. I hate that it is now 10 months without Nikki and that the time just keeps going. All I do know is that time does NOT heal my broken heart but makes it ache more.
So the 18th of the month is over again. But before that I struggled with the 12th. The day of Nikki's 2nd transplant. (Ironically her 1st transplant was also in June on the 29th). As you all remember last year we celebrated Nikki's transplant, the Pens winning the Stanley Cup, and my friend Jill finishing her last radiation treatment. This year on the 12th I thought about Nikki not being here, that hockey is just a game, and that thank goodness Jill is doing well. Boy how things change...whether you want them to or not. With that being said, I must say that yesterday, Fathers Day, broke my heart the most this month. To see Bob struggle through the day and fight back tears was very emotional. We talked about the crown that Nikki made for him last year and how proud of it she was. She smiled everyday when Bob would come to visit...still wearing the crown through the hospital for everyone to see. I think Bob wore it for atleast a week. Today the memories are great but the hurt that we can't make more is tough. We continue to do our best for Ashley, and no matter what some say I think we are doing okay. There are just some things that Bob and I are not ready for yet. Some things are just too painful. Well, I better go get some cleaning done while Ashley continues to nap. My hugs today go out to all the Dads hurting and missing a child. Especially, Bob, Paul, Martin, Meach, and Shane.
Take care and remember to hug your kids everyday! Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

I was doing yard work tonight and a beautiful butterfly was around me the whole time! Thinking of you Nikki!!

Nikki loved fireworks... if you visit the pictures section of her Carepage, you'll see where she painted some on her room window. I sure hope she loved this year's displays, from all over. Awesome poem from Karen is her latest update.



Tears fill my eyes as I watch the fireworks this year.
Posted Jul 4, 2010 1:04am
It's getting late...
And dusk is setting in...
The 4th of July fireworks...
Are about to begin...
I wonder how far heaven is...
As I look up to the night sky...
I wonder if my Nikki is watching...
Just from the other side...
The fireworks have begun...
As they fly into the sky...
Just like my Nikki, my angel...
Who is forever soaring high...
The colorful bursts explode...
Into a spectacular show of lights...
And fill the Heavens above...
It's so beautiful and bright...
And as the fireworks fall...
From the Heavens way up high...
They burn out...and it's dark again...
And the crowd lets out a sigh...
But, then another is lit...sparkling brilliantly...
As the light trails through the night sky...
I think I am beginning to understand...
For it's the same when our loved ones die...
For a life that has burned brightly...
Can never fade away...
For it's rekindled through our memories...
Each and every day...
So even though my Nikki is gone...
To the Heavens up above...
Her light will always remain...
And shine down on me with love...
And our Grande Finale WILL come...
When we are reunited in Heaven again...
But her light will always remain lit...
...Until then.

***Thinking of Nikki..always and forever!!!***

Karen updated over the weekend, as it's now been 11 months since Nikki went to the angels. I have 2 nieces with birthdays next month, and I can't imagine not having them here to celebrate. My heart breaks for Karen, Ashley, and Bob, and I wish more than anything they didn't have to go through this.

11 months without my Nikki
Posted 1 day ago
By the time I hit post it will be the 18th again and another month without my sweet Nikki. The last few months have been getting harder and I know that next month will be the worst. August was always such a happy time with her birthday parties. I dont even know what to say about this year. Depending on the day and time...I hit every emotion there is. Like today when I was trying to pack the sand buckets for Ashley and I to leave tomorrow (actually today) for the beach. I got so angry and started to throw things. Just so unfair. Also very hard to hear my mom tell me that Ashley asked her if Nikki would be at the beach. Ashley has been talking about Nikki so much and misses her sooooooo much. I am very thankful to be going to the beach with my family yet am so afraid of how I will feel once there. I will also miss Bob who is not going on this trip but will go on the next beach trip at the end of August. Speaking of August I would like to inform everyone of some important dates. August 8th is Nikki's birthday and it will always be. I do want to be thankful for the time she was here on earth and have decided to go to the Pottery Playhouse in Greensburg on her birthday. I will paint just like Nikki loved to do. This is the place that Nikki wanted to have her next birthday party. So, everyone is invited to the Thinking of Nikki Openhouse at the Pottery Playhouse from 1p to 4p. I do need an idea of how many will attend so please let me know. You can come and buy a piece of pottery to paint, but please do NOT feel bad if you dont think you can come emotionally. Bob will not be there and I understand that. It is just something that I feel that I need to do. I will paint something every year and have a special collection. I hope I can make Nikki proud with my artwork. The other date to remember will be August 21st. Pittsburg Raceway Park is having a Dedication/ Memorial Race and Show to remember Nikki and racers we have lost. Like our friend Mark Brewer (Forever 53). We are planning a fun day at Nikki's World (her playground) with a few surprises. The playground sign is done and will be placed soon. I do need to send out a special THANKS to Mike for inviting me to sell 50/50 tickets at the track. The money is going to the Thinking of Nikki Foundation since the playground is about done. I did finally get to sign the papers for the foundation and now just need to wait for the IRS to approve everything. I have and will continue to help children and their families through their cancer journey. As I say that, I need to ask everyone to say a prayer for Carson and his family. To end, I ask everyone to keep Ashley, Bob and myself in your thoughts as we deal with many emotions this month and next. Goodnight and thank you for your continued support. Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

... thinkin' of yinz-guyz this weekend...

Thinking of you all today especially



Time for ice cream

Happy Birthday sweet Angel girl! Did you catch the glitter I threw out for you and Mark? I know by now Mark likes glitter! Miss you, love you! Always, "Thinking of Nikki"......53....

Thinking of you all...

Karen's update from last week. Grab your tissues. And this Wednesday is going to be very very hard. This Saturday, August 21, at PRP, is the dedication and memorial race for Nikki, and Christine's husband Mark.

I hate cancer.

Nikki's 1st Birthday in Heaven.
Posted Aug 10, 2010 5:28pm
My First Birthday in Heaven

by Author Unknown

Calling all the angels--
It's a special day today!
For Nikki's turning eight years old!
Here's what she has to say:
"Mommy, please dry all your tears;
I know you miss me so.
And if it had been up to me,
I'd never have chosen to go."
"For I knew that you would miss me
And the things that we could do,
And I wish I could have stayed on earth
And lived down there with you."
"But, Mommy, now I'm well and whole;
I sing and play all day
With all the angel boys and girls
Who've come to heaven to stay."
"Lord Jesus holds us in His arms
And tells us of His love;
He knew that we were hurting--
That's why we came above."
"I love you, Mommy, every day;
I send you kisses, too.
And some day you will join me here
And I'll always be with you."
"I've got to go--the party's on!
We'll sing and dance and play.
But I am always in your heart
And never far away."
"Please find a way to celebrate,
Even if you cry;
Perhaps you'll send me some balloons
Soaring to the sky."
"And I will know they came from you,
And I'll be flying near.
I send you love and kisses, too.
I love you, Mommy, dear."

------------------------------

Ask My Mom How She Is

by Author Unknown

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She'll say"I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night ?
Ask my Mom how she is
She seems to cope so well,
She didn't have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For God's sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken
She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say,
"You're lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!"

-----------------------------

What can I say....sunday was a very difficult day, but with the support of friends and family we made it through. I will cherish the time at Pottery Playhouse. I so enjoyed my painting even as my heart was breaking. I know Nikki helped me since I am very proud of my work. I will try to post pictures soon. I did special little things with Ashley so she knew it was a special day. A day to celebrate her big sisters life...even though it was short. Ashley and I started off the morning with sitting on Nikki's bed and singing Happy Birthday to her. Ashley does not understand what the purple marble box is on Nikki's dresser and that is okay. We just know we feel closer to Nikki in her room. Ashley asks to sleep there from time to time. I am okay with that. I have packed away the bedsheets that Nikki last slept on before going to the hospital and a few other things that have never been washed. That may sound crazy to you....but it is all I have. I ate "dippy eggs" for breakfast with a big glass of chocolate milk like Nikki and I used to do. That was the first time I ate a "dippy egg" since she past. I still haven't eatten tacos or sloppy joes....I remember Nikki trying to decide which would be her first meal once she got home from the hospital. I really want to thank the people who came to paint with me, who sent cards, who sent texts or emails, and especially those who donated to the Thinking of Nikki Foundation or the Leukemia Society in honor of her birthday. We did send 8 balloons to heaven which was very emotional. I will admit that I am very overwhelmed with emotions this month as we also approach the one year mark. Not sure what I will do that day. Really wish I could have a do-over of Aug 2009 and change the outcome. Please remember Aug 21st as a day to come to PRP. We will have a picnic at "Nikki's World" playground. A balloon release and more. Bob and I did get the sign up and it is just beautiful. I want to thank anyone who helped with the sign.
I do have some sad news -- last time I asked for prayer for Carson and his family. Please continue to pray for the family, since Carson is now in heaven with Nikki. It is just too much. I hate knowing that yet another mother has joined me..... and no one can heal the hole in our hearts. Atleast not here on earth. Hugs to you...Carlie.
Thanks for taking the time to check Nikki's carepage. Love to all, Karen

You all are in my thoughts and prayers, especially today

Just wanted to share.
I miss my Nikki......
http://www.onetruemedia.com/ot...book&origin=facebook

The montage is beautiful, Bob.

Here is Karen's update from yesterday. I need some ice cream...

One year of missing Nikki...
Posted 20 hours ago
Well, my year of firsts is almost at an end as I sit here and type. Not really sure how I feel about it, other than it is just another day without my Nikki. I remember this day as if it was yesterday and not a good one. I was so upset with myself when I woke up that morning. You see that after sitting on Nikki's hospital bed and playing yahtzee with her the night before. And as we all know, I was playing while she layed in a paralyzed state that we put her in due to the type of ventilator she was on. I told her I was going to do some reading before I climbed into bed with her. I must have been exhausted as I fell asleep on the couch and didnt wake up until the next morning. My heart sunk as I looked at her and saw how swollen she had become over night. I should have been laying beside her that night. (It was actually the 13th (before she went to the OR) that I last heard her voice, received a hug from her, or looked into those beautiful eyes.) I was very scared at this point and feared that I already lost her. Bob and I talked with the doctors and decided that Nikki would tell us when it was enough. I remember taking a nap with Nikki in her bed and when I awoke her oxygen saturations were dropping yet other vital signs were okay. I asked the nurse...what did you do?...she said nothing. Nikki was tired and couldn't do it anymore. She was on 100% oxygen and that wasnt enough anymore. There were no more options....Nikki was telling me it was time. I screamed and cried as I told her how much I loved her. She was gone...just like that at 3:51pm. She was peaceful in my arms as staff that loved her came to say goodbye. There was so much love in the room and that was just from people who worked there. I remember Dr Jake coming for one more "hi-five" and Mike doing one more craft...her hand prints for me. I remember helping with her final bath and putting her favorite PJ's on her. I remember the smell of the bath gel I used and have it in my bathroom to sniff on occassion. I know its weird...I just do. The swelling was gone now and she looked so peaceful laying there. No more tubes in her mouth or nose. Holding Bear and looking like she was sleeping. I didnt want to leave. I just didnt...And here I am, one year later wishing I could go back to the hospital to get her. So much has happened. All I can say is THANK YOU all for the love and support. With tears I end for now. Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI AND ALL THE ANGELS IN HEAVEN TODAY!!!***


Missing You

A year has come and gone now
Since you had to go away,
And I am not the same Mom
You used to see each day.
My face is stiff and frozen,
To try to hide the pain,
But oft my eyes betray me,
For my tears still fall like rain.
I try to go on living,
For my precious family's sake,
But no one knows I spend the nights,
Tossing, wide awake.
It seems the world has changed, too,
The colors all seem dull,
And everything seems empty,
Like a sunken liner's hull.
I try to wear a smile sometimes,
To make them think I'm fine,
But if they look into my eyes,
They see a different sign.
For emptiness pervades me
And sadness fills my life,
Though I do my best to hide it
And cover up my strife.
Somehow this anniversary
Makes your loss seem much more real,
Though I've spent the last year trying
To deny and not to feel.
I know you're happy, Nikki,
You're well and healthy, too,
But I can't help the way I feel,
For I am missing you.
I don't know how I'll stand the years
That stretch before me now,
I'll have to trust in Jesus' love
And treasure His sweet vow
That someday I will get to go
To heaven where you are,
And once again I'll hold you,
My precious, shining star.



FACTS

*46 children in the US will be diagnosed with some form of cancer each school day.
*Childhood cancer is the #1 nonviolent killer of all children in the US. (I beg to differ how NONviolent this disease is, but this is compared to other medical issues)
*1 in every 330 Americans will have or had cancer by the age of 20.
*Several children diagnosed with cancer have NO cure possible.
*Less than 3% of all funding for cancer research is dedicated to pediatrics.
*Only ONE drug has been developed in the last 55 years for the sole purpose of treating pediatric cancer. (All OTHER drugs used are "hand-me-downs" from adult treatments).
*Approximately 2300 children will die each year from pediatric cancer in the U.S.
*For every six research dollars per patient with AIDS and every one research dollar per patient with breast cancer, a child with cancer receives only 30 cents.

Forever in my heart!

The playground at PRP has been upgraded and renamed in Nikki's honor:

That's so cool ............. what a nice dedication.

Hey Chuck!

Dave

Bill Truby, PRP's great track photographer, has his shots up from this Saturday. Hit the link:
http://photos.pittsburghracewaypark.com/

and it's the Dedication Race 8/21/2010, pics of the balloon release, ceremony, decorations for Nikki and Mark, in addition to racing.

Hi Dave! You guys coming to PRP October 8-10 for our Halloween race?

Checked out the link ................ nice pictures.

I've always read about your Halloween race every year ............ I'll have to figure things out (and the flyer) .. as the time gets near.

Dave

Dave, I'll shoot you a PM

Karen's update from the weekend:

A HUGE THANKS to all involved at PRP
It was absolutely wonderful seeing everyone at the track who came to give their support to us and the Brewer family. I wish I had more time to talk to all of you. Thank you all!!! I definitely have new ideas for Nikki's Foundation after the great donations we received. It will go to good use...THANK YOU! The only thing that could have made the day any better would have been to see Christine and Bob in the winners circle. The many tears from heaven stopped that, but the day was still perfect to me.

I know I keep promising...I will get new pics on soon. But in the mean time please check out the ones on PRPs web site.

Hugs!...gotta go and start to pack to go back to the Outter Banks. Cant wait. I feel so close to Nikki there. Can't really explain it, but love the feeling. Karen

god bless you and your family, prayers sent.