Get your Kleenex.
Thoughts and prayers for the Denikers, every day.

So here I am...
Posted 2 hours ago
Here I am, sitting infront of this computer just looking for words. Tomorrow will be 6 months and I don't even know what to say about that. I am still grieving and will be for awhile. In order to get through the grieveing process I think you have to accept and want to move on...this is something that I struggle with. I don't want to move on more than I already have. I have not accepted that Nikki was taken from me way to soon and I don't want to be okay with that because it is not okay and will never be okay. I still ask why my Nikki. Everyday little things make me cry about Nikki not being here and I am not ready to accept that the little things are gone...no more making memories. Let me tell you a few stories that do make me smile but after the smile comes tears. Every morning when I dump the ice out of the kitty bowl to give her fresh water I smile. It is that ice puck that Nikki and I would kick around at the bus stop (our driveway) trying to get goals past each other. We would play until the bus would come or until the ice would get to small and we couldn't kick it anymore. Everyday when I go out to shovel snow I think of Nikki. She LOVED playing in the snow and helping me shovel. I had to shovel off the trampoline and used her little plastic shovel so not to cut the trampoline. I never felt so lonely as I did that hour. For if Nikki were here I would never be doing that alone....Ashley just watched out the window. They are sisters but are nothing alike. I love them both, but miss my Nikki so much. Just like the other day I saw Nikki's soccer goal nets in the garage and thought about never seeing her run in the yard kicking her soccer ball and yelling "and she scores!" Even Valentines Day was tough as I missed my homemade heart card that I know she would have made me with way to much glitter glue on it that it wouldn't dry for days. But I would love it because she made it especially for me. I am so thankful for the memories and the 7 years she gave me. I sure hope she hears me when I tell her that. Also that she is my hero, that I am so proud of her for all the lives she has touched, and that I love her so much. I also wish that people would just understand that the ones of us that have truely been touched by Nikki are not ready to let go and that is just the way it is. People should not judge or talk about something if they have not gone through it themselves. As much as people may try it is not the same...and she was 7, just turned 7, and didn't have a chance to live because of cancer. Too many kids are taken just to soon. I know and believe that they are in a better place so all I can say is that I know I am selfish and I am sorry. As parents and friends we just feel cheated that we don't get to have them anymore and I haven't worked through that yet and don't know if I ever will. Yes, we are changed, but the changes aren't bad, just new. It is just how it is when you are touched by someone like my Nikki. For those who didn't have the chance to meet her in person, I must tell you that she was so special...she was and is my Nikki. Ashley keeps me grounded by occasionally reminding me that Nikki is in Heaven. Very bitter sweet. She says she has 4 sisters now. Nikki, Amanda, Miss Watson and Cameron. When Ashley and I were looking at pictures of her birthday party she said, "look, Nikki was at my party!" I looked and saw Cameron (Nikki's best friend) who does look like Nikki. Especially the dark curly hair. I cry but yet am very thankful for Cameron's true friendship. Also for the other sisters who haven't left us just because Nikki did. So, thank you. My wish for all of you is to somehow find a peace that I can't find. To know that Nikki loved you all so much and that life be better to you for going through this loss. Life is just so unfair. I just wish that Adam wouldn't have eatten the apple. The world would be a better place. Well, as I look back at my words I see that I did have plenty to say and feel better now that they are said. I will go and start my day now with Ashley. I am sure she will make me smile and laugh. But remember, the hole for Nikki is and always will be in my heart. It is okay to say Nikki's name if you see me out. I might cry but would love to hear it. Sending a BIG HUG to my hospital family. Know that I think of you all, in whatever stage of your battle you are in, and I am here if you need me. Until I post again, stay warm and enjoy the snow. Karen<3

**THINKING OF MY NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!**

Always, "Thinking of Nikki".......

sooo soooorry!!!!! praying for all of you...

Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Karens latest entry...

7 months without Nikki
Posted 8 hours ago
I sit here this evening with many thoughts going through my head. The beginning of this week was very rough for me. I was full of sadness, guilt and the tears just flowed as I remembered the past. With Easter coming, I was remembering the bad times of 2007 and 2009 when the hell started for Nikki and then returned. Remembering that on Good Friday 2007 we were told that Nikki was not in remission after her first round of chemo and in 2009 that she relaped. I hate the fact that as I remember things I remember them as "before" Nikki got sick or "after" she relapsed. Those words should not be what I remember but I do and will always. I so wish I could go back in time to Jan 26, 2007... the day Ashley was born and before Nikki was diagnosed. The worst part is that Nikki was probably already sick but we didnt know until Feb. At this time I look back at my life and question why I was never happy with life when I should have been. I think we all do this but for me it makes me feel so guilty. Always complaining about things like my job or things that I realize now dont really matter. I remember right after having Ashley and I was home on maternity leave that I felt sad and angry because I felt stuck at home since it was so cold out and I was just tired. Not even realizing what was about to happen to the perfect family of four. And then it started...Feb 26th...Nikki was diagnosed. Then in my mind feeling stuck in the hospital and missing my newborn. Finally at the end of July 2007 Nikki came home and again I felt trapped because we could not leave with all of her restrictions. Wow, I hate that I honestly felt that. How selfish am I??? Then, as I just started to move on and see a counselor for fears and thoughts in 2009...she relapsed. Those selfish ways have and always will make me feel guilty. I have and always will have so much to be thankful for. I am very thankful for a visit yesterday from my pastor. I have returned to church on and off, depending on how I feel when I get up on sundays. I know that is wrong, but sometimes the anger and tears are just too much to go. Anyhow, we had a nice visit and she told me things I kinda knew but needed to hear. I went to bed last night and got up this morning with a sense of peace as I try some new steps. Steps to get me out of guilt, the "whys" and the "what ifs" that are eatting at me. Not that I will ever let Nikki leave my heart or be forgotten, but to help me start to recover from the daily pain that I cant do anymore. It just hurts too much to live this way...I am so tried of crying and so tired of hurting. With that being said, Ashley, Bingo and myself had a nice day. I am sure that being out in the sunshine helped alot to. By the way, Bingo is Ashley's new puppy. My mind today was full of happy memories of Nikki. As Ashley did the things Nikki liked I remembered the good times for a change instead of all the sad times. Swinging, playing with bubbles, getting dirty and moon sand. And yes, Ashley did get dirty. I would catch myself thinking of Nikki with a smile on my face as I looked around in the sky, at her tree, and at her fire ring. Then... the school bus went passed and the sadness set in. The reality of each day of my life. I promise to keep her memories alive and work through the tears. Knowing that she is not happy with me being sad when she is in a better place and saving a place for me. I will see her again. So in the meantime I will do my best for Ashley and Bob. To work on using Nikki's money to help others. Bob and I have donated to many things since August and will continue. We are working on a few things that I will share when I can. I do want to share that we have now raised alittle over $3200.00 for the playground at the racetrack. We will have a day at the track to remember Nikki and hopefully her playground will be finished. As these projects make me feel good they also fill me with the sadness that it is happening because she is not here. I just miss her so so much and as you can see my emotions are still on that roller coaster that I fear I will never get off. The upcoming Easter holiday will be very hard. I will miss Nikki's love for Easter egg hunts the most. Last year I remember going shopping for Easter dresses, riding the train at the mall, coloring eggs and her getting her picture taken with the Easter Bunny. Ashley wanted no parts of the bunny. Haha! I remember the bunny bag she made at school and will cherish it forever. Then I remember that our last Easter as a family of four was spent at the hospital....ugh.... I need to end now as the tears are getting me to the place I hate. The deep sadness that I want and need to end. I will go and sit in Nikki's room for awhile and then off to bed I will go. Sweet dreams to you all and enjoy the sunshine tomorrow. Karen
XOXO LOVING MY NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!! XOXO


My heart goes out to you Karen, thank you for saying things we all need to hear. We should all realize what really matters the most in our lives...missing Nikki

I think Karen and Bob continue to show amazing strength. They may disagree, but I think if it was me going through this, I don't even know if I could get out of bed ever again. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.

I think of Nikki and you all every day, and you're always in my prayers.

quote:

Originally posted by MsFurr:
My heart goes out to you Karen, thank you for saying things we all need to hear. We should all realize what really matters the most in our lives...missing Nikki

My thoughts exactly. I haven't said much here lately, but I read every update. Have talked to Bob on occasion over the phone. But, I think of Karen, Bob, Ashley, and most definitely Nikki each and every day!!!!

I agree ....not a day goes by that i do not think about your family and what you have been thru and how you have stayed stronger than i ever could. I am glad you are raising money for the playground and it will be forever a reminder of Nikki to all.

Just wanted to share.
Posted 2 days ago
I sure hope that my last post didnt make me sound too crazy. I just love Nikki so much that I would go back to any of those days that I was unhappy (or so I thought) to have her back. I just realize now in life what is important and what isnt. I also want to tell you that it is not that I am strong...it is what I have to do. I dont have a choice. Everyone can do things because they have to, not because they want to. We are all just handed different mountains to climb. Below is a picture video and poem that Sandy made for me. I just love them and had to share them today. Enjoy! Karen

***THINKING OF MY NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

http://www.onetruemedia.com/sh...82f18cd9&skin_id=701

Dear Mr. Easter Bunny
I just had to write today to see if you stop in heaven as you hop along your way?
You see...a part of me is up there that I miss with all my heart. You see our Nikki was taken and it tore our lives apart.
So, I wanted to know if you go there? And if I could ask a favor of you? Can you take her a basket to heaven? Filled with colored eggs and bunnies too?
And could you please add a purple egg for me? Purple was Nikki's favorite color. We know Nikki is now resting in heaven...No more pain and no more tests
And could you add an orange egg for me? Orange for the color of a candle flame...For Nikkis light will always shine although our lives will never be the same.
And could you add an egg so blue? For blue is the color of the cloudless sky and when I see the geese flying over me...I know it’s a sign from her way up high.
And we can’t forget a yellow egg too. For yellow is the color of the sun, and Nikki's love will shine down on me...For all my days and nights to come.
And we also need a rainbow colored egg.For the rainbow way up in the sky. Nikki will always live within me and her spirit will never die.
And last but not least a red egg if you could? For we all know red means the color of love, and I love Nikki oh so much.
Please send my love to her above. Thank you Mr. Easter Bunny I really appreciate your time today and I will say a prayer for you too as you hop to Heaven for me on Easter Day.
When you take her basket up to the Heavens can you please whisper in her ear? And wish her the happiest Easter from us and tell her we miss her more each passing day!

"Thinking of you, Nikki".....you're in good hands!

I bet Mark has her carrying a pocket screwdriver by now.

And I bet she has Mark wearing something purple.

Nikki is all set up with her pocket screw driver and I know Mark let Nikki paint his first motor in Heaven Ford Blue!! And, maybe a little glitter too!!!

Karen's update from this morning.

Glad to see the sun.
Posted 13 minutes ago
Hello everyone. Just wanted to update on how we are doing. With alot of tears, Bob and I made it through Easter. Some parts were harder than others, because of Nikki's love for them. Even coloring Easter eggs was hard. I found myself trying to have Ashley do them like Nikki did. Ashley is the one I feel sorry for the most. Like the other day when she asked me to play "Nikki's song". I said I didnt know which one and her response broke my heart. "You know, the one that makes you cry." Ouch! I know Ashley misses her too. We will watch videos and I see her rubbing her eyes or the tears away. Not fair for her to not have her sister to share things with. I will fight with this as Ashley grows up. My sister and I are like most with our good and bad times, but she is and always will be my sister. That is something that Ashley has lost and will never have and I hate it. Sitting in the sun and playing outside with Ashley has been nice. I cherish this time and remember the games that Nikki and I used to play. Like Nikki's version of kick the ball as she would swing. How I would love to play kick the ball with Nikki...Bob and I are working hard on getting everything started for Nikki's playground at PRP. We have things ordered and will start work soon. I know she will be with us there saying, "Now that looks better". Nikki has given me a few signs and I love it. Can't completely explain, but I know they are from her. I will try to post a few new pictures soon. Like her tree in Youngstown that is looking beautiful with the flowers they planted. Some even spell Nikki. It is a nice place for me to visit and talk with Nik. Just like I do in her room on a daily basis. Well, I better go get some things done. Please remember our hospital family and the kids. Once your child has a pediatric cancer...life is never the same. For some the battle continues, for others the fear of relapse, and for parents like Bob and I the pain truely begins. No part of this journey is easy, but the last is definately the worst. Hugs to my hospital family. Also I want to share this poem that was sent to me. Karen

My Mom is a Survivor

My mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night,
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night,
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
they never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
A smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.
My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive...
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, say Hi...
and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

HOP for LEUKEMIA and LYMPHOMA
Posted Apr 12, 2010 3:08pm
Just wanted to share that Ashley will be hopping on April 30 to help other kids and familys. High Acres School is sponsoring the event and I will be helping. This is the preschool that Ashley will go to in the fall. The owners of this preschool had Little Treasures where Nikki went and have done so much for us. Thank you Robyn!
If anyone would like to donate please send a check made out to The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society to join the fight against the #1 disease killer of children. Thousand of youngsters are diagnosed with blood cancers each year and more than one third of them do not survive.
Mail to High Acres School 371 Frye Farm Road Greensburg, PA 15601 OR to me at 303 Sawmill Road Greensburg, PA 15601. This event is being done in memory of our sweet Nikki.

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Karen updated this afternoon.


GO TEAM NIKKI !!!
Posted 39 minutes ago
The days seem to be harder lately. Missing so many things about Nikki. Just when I think I am doing okay, something happens and I lose it. Here is a terrible example: I was cleaning in Nikki's room and realized I was "dusting" my daughter. This is all I physically have left...to dust pictures and Nikki's purple marble box.

Ashley did her hopping this morning at High Acres School. The kids jumped for 2 minutes and raised money for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Thank you to everyone that sponsored Ashley, and thank you Robyn for having the event at your school. Ashley raised enough money to receive six prizes including a Slip and Slide that she can't wait to get. That prize reminds me of Nikki using one at a camp ground we went to when she was 4 and I was pregnant with Ashley. The kids slid in chocolate syrup. She had a blast. She was so cute and of course smiling from ear to ear.

Also want to thank my neighbors for their donations as I have been raising money again for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

So, the next event is occuring this weekend. Please cheer on TEAM NIKKI on sunday at the Pitts Marathon. The team was started by Traci Kaminsky who is a friend and Camerons mom. Remember that Cameron is Nikki's best friend. They have raised money for Gilda's Club who helps people touched by cancer. Here is the team who I made purple and pink armbands for:

Jill Diianni first leg 7 miles
Krystal Kantorik second leg 4.4 miles
Amy Jo Bednar-Frye third leg 4.6 miles
Traci Kaminski fourth leg 5.9 miles
Joan Penhall last leg 4.3 miles

Also, thanks to Tara a nurse from Nikki's pediatric office who is running in memory of Nikki and Ben McCambell.
I know that Nikki will be smiling down at all of you and trying her best to keep the rain away.

Onto other news. Bob and I have been busy with working on the playground at PRP. We actually got cement poured this week and most other items are either here or ordered. Thank you to all that have already helped and when we need to have a work day we will let everyone know. I am still trying to work on the starts of the Thinking of Nikki Foundation as well. Still trying to figure out the road that I am to go down to help others since I dont have my Nikki to help. As I always say, one day at a time. Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Karen posted this last night... get tissues. Wow.

THE BRAVE LITTLE SOUL

Not too long ago in Heaven, there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however, the little soul was sad, for this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked 'Why do bad things happen, why is there suffering in the world?'

God paused for a moment and replied, 'Little soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see unlocks the love in people's hearts.' The little soul was confused. 'What do you mean?' she asked. God replied, 'Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences, and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone.'

The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued. 'The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely, because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity.'

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings, fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, 'I am brave, let me go. I would like to go into this world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!'

God smiled and said, 'You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave, you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this, so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. These souls will help you create your miracle, however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and they will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you.

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, 'Do not forget that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought and, I will bring you home.'

Thus at that moment, the brave little soul was born into the world and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those who were always too busy, found time. Many began new spiritual journeys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant families reunited and every family spent more time together. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives were changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle happened. And God was pleased.

THINKING OF NIKKI ALWAYS AND FOREVER............

It was 9 months yesterday.

Words seem as hollow as ever. Thoughts and prayers always for Karen, Bob, Ashley, and their family and friends.

Karen's post from today:

Can't seem to post.

I have tried for the past three days to post as another month is now gone. I am struggling right now. So much is going on and I have alot to share...but I just can't seem to get it together. My heart aches so much. I struggle again to get out of bed. I get through the days just because I have to, but can't get the pain and the whole in my heart to stop hurting. Just know I am here and will try to post soon. It is just not getting any better and right now feels worse. I feel so guilty for moving on and having the good times, when they come. I know I am starting to ramble so until I try to post again....take care. I miss my Nikki so much!!!! Karen

THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!

Karen updated today...

Having the strength to post.
Posted 29 minutes ago
The worst is over, the horror is past'

The thing I feared most has happened at last,

No more do I worry, no more do I care,

nothing can hurt when a heart isn’t there.

_______________________________________________


TIME

I thought that time was healing
All the hurt you left behind
That empty spaces could be filled
My arms, my heart, my mind
And though my body looks the same
As it did when you were here
The emptiness is growing
Even bigger with each day

I thought that time was healing
All the agonising pain
That as the tears were fading
Soon I wouldn't feel the same
And though I can be smiling
And you think that I'll survive
The pain is in my blood now
I have nowhere else to hide

I thought that time was healing
All the loss a mother feels
That now you live within my heart
I had you near me still
But I need so much to touch you
To see you smile again
And those memories I'm told are mine
Can never feel the same

I thought that time was healing
All the while the mask was worn
That underneath a new me
Was waiting to be born
But now I find I am the mask
It helps to keep me safe
And though my heart is breaking
You won't see it in my face

I thought that time was healing
All those tears my eyes have seen
That aching arms that miss you
Could be satisfied with dreams
But here I am, in pain again
And healing stands alone
And mother weeps, the world can see
For a daughter who can't come home

The above poems say alot to me. I am trying my best to learn who I am and what I am to do now. I know some of you dont understand, but since Feb 2007 my life turned for what I did as a nurse at GreenMeadows to caring for Nikki 24/7. Especially during the long hospitalizations. We were so close....how can I not feel lost now? Even after 9 1/2 months. Well, I am...as I try to figure my new path. I remain a lucky wife and a mom, but what else will I be now? That is the million dollar question. And as I try to answer that I struggle with the fact that I feel to be two people. The heart broken person that I am when I am at home or alone, and then the person who puts on the strong face for others. Not wanting to make others feel sorry for me. I didnt choose to do this...it is just who I am now. I guess I tell you this to help me. I want people to know how much I miss my Nikki and that I will never forget the wonderful daughter she is. My only fear with this is that Nikki did the same thing that I am doing. I sure hope she wasnt putting on the strong face for me in the hospital and hurting inside like I am....that makes me cry as I think of that. But it wouldnt surprise me since it is what I do. Like mother, like daughter, I guess. It is her strength that helps me get through each day. The fact that she has touched so many lives and continues to do so. I believe it was Nikki's purpose... my brave little soul. That warms my heart yet I will always miss her smile and hugs.
I did add a few pictures the other day. Pictures of things that also warm my heart. Like raising money to help others and having Nikki leave her mark at the elementary school even though she was only 7 when she left.
Other exciting news is that the playground at PRP is really starting to take shape and we will be adding more pieces this weekend. The process is slow but will be done soon. I am still working on the sign. It took awhile for me to be able to get the things together, here at the house. Thanks Kelly for helping me and sharing some tears with me. I think the playground will be a continuous project. For me to keep it looking good so Nikki is proud. It will be named, NIKKI'S WORLD,...a place to play and smile. I am also making progress with the THINKING OF NIKKI FOUNDATION. It too is taking time but WILL get done.

As always I want to say a big THANK YOU for the continued support. If you see me out, please understand my struggles, but please stop me to say hello. Remember to keep all the hospital families and kids in your prayers and remember to hug your kids everyday and tell them that you love them. We never know what tomorrow will bring. Life is fragile...dont forget that. Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***