Another Christmas....
Posted 6 minutes ago
First, I want to thank everyone for lighting those candles and for going to Carsons Bake sale. The bake sale was a HUGE success. Things like this helps to ease the pain just alittle or atleast for alittle while.

Second, I need to send out a big THANK YOU to those of you that have donated to Nikki's Foundation for Christmas. In my heart it is a gift to Nikki and the only way we can give her something this year. I have been in contact from Sharon at CHP and she is sharing the thanks from the families she has given the gift cards to. Also working with Childlife about my Bear idea. I found a bear that I think Nikki would like. Haven't heard anything about the microwaves lately, but still working on it. Also have a few families that I will be making Memory Doodles for as soon as they find the strength to get me the info. I am very proud of the Foundation and what I am doing. It helps me to help others.

Finally, as hard as it is, I want to send out Hugs and a Merry Christmas to everyone. Extra Hugs to those spending Christmas in the hospital this year. I am struggling but getting by. The crazy thing is that I still can't believe she is gone and not coming back....I still haven't accepted that fact and don't want to. Her room and belongings remain as she left them. Ashley and I decorated little trees for her and Nikki's room. I set Nikki's Mickey and Minnie by her tree. I know she would like it. Well, I am going to quit rambling and share a poem that I want to believe was sent from Nikki through a very special friend...

CHRISTMAS HUGS AND KISSES
Please don't be sad now that we are apart,
celebrate Christmas with me in your heart.
Our best Christmas ever is still yet to come,
for Heaven is where the first Christmas is from.
And so I look forward to when you'll be free
to spend your first Christmas in Heaven with me.
I'm waiting with angels,
and until that day,
I'll keep sending my hugs
and kisses your way.

I pray for that day...Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Karen posted this afternoon...


A Poem....
Posted 27 minutes ago
THE YEAR BEFORE LAST
Author unknown.

The holiday season is upon us,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.
I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done.
After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"She's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.
But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my Nikki died last year,
not just a few weeks ago, not even this year,
but last year.
She will never live in this year.
They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "It happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.
This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my Nikki died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
She will never live in this year.
Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."
Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months,
this year,
last year, the year before last.
They don't know that time stands still for me.
Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my Nikki just died ...
the year before last?

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Karen updated over the weekend... so awesome she is helping other families

In need of baskets/ donations...
Posted 2 days ago
Pittsburg Raceway Park is hosting its annual Racers Banquet on Feb 5th at Stratigos in North Huntingdon. At the banquet, there will be a Chinese auction where a portion of the proceeds will go to the THINKING OF NIKKI FOUNDATION. We are in need of baskets for the auction or donations. Upon receiving your donation your info will be placed on the donation, announced at the banquet and posted on PRP website. We will need the baskets by Jan 31st. For more info contact Pam from PRP at 724-668-7600 or myself. Thanks in advance!!!

Foundation info...Just want to keep everyone informed. The foundation is doing great! I continue to support families who are in pain like myself with Memory doodles, RememBears and small gifts to show I care and understand. I will be purchasing more gift cards for families at CHP this week. I am still working on the Bear project but nothing new to report yet. The only bad news is that CHP has again said no to the microwaves, BUT I am working on two smaller projects with them that will benefit infants on the BMT unit and the parents who stay with their children on the BMT unit. When they are approved I will share the details.

With that being said if you know of a local family/child (dealing with Pediatric Cancer) that I can help, please email me at Rkndeniker@comcast.net. Thanks!

My special thoughts and hugs go out to the Miller Family this month as it is coming up on one year that Heather went to Heaven. There are no words to bereaved parents and siblings. Just know, I am thinking of you!!!

Thanks for continuing to check Nikki's page. Hugs to all! Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI AND HEATHER...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Ashley turned 4 yesterday... skating party on Sunday evening for her party.

Ashley turns 4 today.
Posted yesterday
I can not believe Ashley is 4. Where did the time go? Why did her big sister have to go... Four years ago today I remember thinking I had the perfect family. A wonderful husband and two beautiful, healthy girls. Or atleast I thought they were healthy. To think that Ashley only knew her big sister for one month before she was diagnosed with cancer just breaks my heart. Ashley really never knew Nikki for who she was before her journey began. This was not fair to sweet Ashley. No wonder Ashley remembers the hospital times more than the home times. No wonder Ashley talks about "Nikki's pole" or "Nikki's hospital" and is way to familiar with medical things. Nikki had beautiful hair, yet Ashley remembers when Nikki was bald... What the hell happened to my perfect family? Why us? This is how I am feeling today and just needed to vent, so thanks for listening. I will soon dry my tears and get up to make Ashley's birthday dinner. I will smile on the outside yet cry on the inside. It is just how it is now and nothing will change that. I miss my Nikki more and more everyday. I wish I could make a wish for Ashley, and that would be to give her Nikki back.....
I want to send a HUGE thank you out to all that have donated for the chinese auction. I received a wonderful response and really appreciate everyones donations. Remember I need them by the 31st. Thanks!!!
****HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASHLEY...I LOVE YOU!!!****
***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Karen posted over the weekend. It's been a sunny morning here in Pittsburgh.

Author Unknown....
Posted Jan 29, 2011 9:09am
Mama

She kept me safe and warm in her belly.
then she always had warm milk for me.
She always sung "you are my sunshine"
She taught me how to walk and talk.
She held me tight always.
Then I got sick .
She never left my side.
Sometimes , I threw up all over her
And she never got mad ,
She always said " It's ok baby"
And just cleaned the both of us,
with a big smile on her face.
She held me when I was scared
of the needles and the machines.
When they put me under
I always woke up
Seeing her face.
She stayed up with me at night
If I couldnt sleep.
I know she was tired
But she never told me.
I didnt like pokes
She said she wished it was her instead.
The stupid cancer came back.
I had to take more and more meds.
My body got tired ,
My brain , my legs , my arms did too.
She was scared for me,
But she never said so.
She whispered one day,
That I would be her sunshine forever.
And I knew it was true.
So I went, I was so tired.
Now , when she says my name,
She always smiles ,
but tears fill her eyes.
I know she misses me,
I know she wants me back.
She says she is weak ,
But she is the strongest person I know.
So Mama, when you feel down,
Turn your face up to the sun,
feel the warmth .
It is me kissing your face.
I will never leave you,
Mama.
I will always be your Sunshine...
____________________________________________

THIS WAS EMAILED TO ME BY MY DEAR FRIEND, SANDY, WHO REALLY GETS HOW I FEEL. IT HIT HOME WITH ME AND I SURE HOPE IT IS HOW MY NIKKI FELT...SHE WILL ALWAYS BE MY SUNSHINE..... THANKS SANDY!!!

Please keep the Miller family in your thoughts today as it is one year today that Heather joined Nikki in Heaven.

****THINKING OF NIKKI AND ALL THE KIDS...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!****

PRP's banquet was Saturday night, and various businesses and people donated baskets of items for a chinese auction. Friends Amy & Joe Seneca also donated a Troy Polamalu jersey, Steelers wastebasket, and signed football, that raised $468 dollars alone by direct auction. Here's Karen's post from Sunday morning:

A Big Success!
Posted 2 days ago
PRPs Racers Banquet was last night and let me tell you...The Foundation is now ready to start more projects. The Chinese Auction was great and brought in alot of money and happy winners. It was very interesting to see Ashley put her tickets in her favorite baskets and then win them. It wasnt fixed, I promise you that... considering I havent found room to put her birthday presents away so more toys and crafts is not what I needed. Haha! But, Ashley is very happy about it...thanks Judy and Diane for thinking of the kids with your baskets.

The most excitement came for me when we auctioned off a separate prize. A HUGE THANK YOU TO AMY AND JOE SENECA for donating a stitched Steeler jersey, a signature football and Steeler can. Chuck started the bidding and my heart warmed as friends bid more and more money. Money that will help kids and families during their biggest battle. Congratulations to Larry, from The Silver Mines, who was the winner and did some awesome bidding. Go Steelers!!!

As I did last night at the Banquet, I must again thank Mike Tedesco and PRP for all that they have done and continue to do for Nikki's Foundation.

Hugs to all! Karen

***THINKING AND MISSING MY NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Karen updated yesterday, good stuff.

The need to share.
Posted 23 hours ago
Someday....
Linda Drewes

I sit and hold your picture
As you looked so long ago.
I wonder, how would you look
Were you here with me today.
God had you in His plans that day
You were lifted from my arms.
But still, as days go passing by,
My eyes keep searching, everywhere.

My heart is still as broken
As it was that other day, and,
Though the years have passd and gone
I'll love you, each and every day.

And if the Lord gave me one wish
I wouldn't think, not for a second.
I'd ask to see your face,
For just a single, fleeting minute.

You're locked up deep within my soul,
And etched into my heart.
And when the time is right,
I'll once more fold you into my arms..........

Someday..........

______________________________________________________

I think of my Nikki every waking minute. Still wondering so many things. The "what ifs" are hard to avoid as days go by. I have heard of too many other moms this last month that are now asking the same questions that I ask and it is so heartbreaking. Then the snow falls again. Just as I was waiting to see the beautiful butterflies I will have to wait. Did you ever hear the comparison of the catepiller as living on earth and the butterfly as Heaven? Comparing the resurection? Well, I am sure some want to think to much about it but if you think simple, it is a beautiful comparison. It makes me smile to think of it that way. Fly Nikki, fly!

For those that don't yet know I have taken a big step and got myself a job. It is just a sub school nurse position but I am very much enjoying my time there. It is for the Westmoreland I.U. I feel good helping the kids who need my help. Something I can emotionally do.

Foundation update: I am excited to say I am ordering craft Bears for kids on 9B and we are also finishing the final steps to start a weekly breakfast club for the parents on the BMT unit who can't get out. We will bring the breakfast to them. Very exciting.

Thanks for checking in and keep warm in what I hope is the last snow fall. Hugs to my hospital families. Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Karen is doing great stuff to help families and kids who are going through what they went through...

Project news...
Posted 23 hours ago
Presenting the....BMT BREAKFAST CLUB. Starting this thursday, March 3rd, and every thursday after, the THINKING OF NIKKI FOUNDATION will donate breakfast to the family members staying in the hospital with there child who will or has had a bone marrow transplant and has been in the hospital for awhile. Thanks goes out to everyone who has helped me get this started...Mandy, Anne, and Mark from the Pop Stop.

Beautiful craft bears will also be delivered to Mike from Childlife by Nikki's big sister...Amanda. The kits include; a brown bear skin, stuffing, a heart, and a little white t-shirt that the kids can decorate with fabric markers for their bear. All for the child to make themself. Sounds like fun to me!

All I know is nothing is easy, but these projects warm my heart and I feel good about them. Thanks Nikki for giving me the strength!

Hugs!!! Karen

***MISSING MY NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Bob, i'm so sorry man! we will be in continuous prayer for you and your family.told on tight to your faith and Gods will be done.please read matthew 11:24, it's a must! keep us posted and walk by faith and not by sight!when you are down to nothing, God is up to something!---from the entire Allen111 racing effort,Allen Teri,Fred,Britney and Alaina.

thinking of Nikki

Chris Moren won the Friday night gamblers at Coastal Plains, then carried two entries to the semis on Saturday. He bought a sticker at the '09 World Footbrake Challenge at Bristol, and it's still on the back window.

Michael Beard photo:

It was 2 years ago Nikki went into the hospital. Y'all are going to need a couple boxes of Kleenex for this one. Karen's update from this morning.


2 years since Nikki was home...
Posted 21 minutes ago
This has been a very tough week for me. My mind has been filled with so many emotions as I have been sick. Every body system has been affected this week and it is still not even close to what I made my Nikki go through. And yes, I was the one who put her through it...it was my signature on things to say yes inject her with poison, scan her body, poke holes in it and more. As you can see I am struggling inside. April is and always will be a hard month. For most a time for a fresh start. Spring is here and everything is beautiful. Easter time and everyone is forgiven. Thats true, but for me...April is sad and very hard. In 2007 on Good Friday I remember the news that Nikki did not go into remission after her first round of chemo and we wouldn't get to go home other than for a 24 hour pass for Easter. Then in 2009...where do I begin...After 22 months of Nikki doing great and we were just going in for a clinic visit(april 9th), I was hit with the bomb that Nikki relapsed. On Good Friday Nikki ended up being admitted instead of coming home from the biopsy because of fevers. I HATE the word FEVER! And lets not forget that we were to be going to Disney April 19th. So there it is...Before April 9th, Nikki was still home, playing and being a kid (A CANCER SURVIVOR), but after, she spent her last months in the hospital. How do I deal with that inside. Well, let me tell you...not well. I am sad, I am angry, I am bitter, I am jealous, and I am scared. But most of all I am heart broken. Heart broken that I will never see my Nikki run to find those Easter eggs, heart broken that I have no new pics of her in a new Easter dress. Heart broken that her little sister ask me "how did Nikki disappear?..you know to get from here to Heaven?".....
Nikki loved Easter time. Especially hunting for Easter eggs. We would do it over and over again. I remember doing it in the hospital rooms. She was happy searching even with an IV pole behind her. One amazing little girl that I miss so much. My heart just aches without her.
So, Ashley and I decorated her Easter branch last weekend and then went to decorate Nikki's tree. I enjoy my special times with Ashley and am so thankful for her. I am sure Nikki is proud of her little sister.
April is not only a hard month for me but others as well...the month Ethan went to Heaven, and the month Carson is now celebrating his birthday with the angels instead of his family......I could go on.
I am hurting inside that is true, but I do want to share that the Foundation continues to do its best to help others. Since my last post it has again sent more gift cards to CHP for families, and new stuffed animals for the kids going through procedures for the first time. It has also purchased 4 baby items to be used on 9B. Two baby swings, a baby seat and a mobile. The thursday BMT Breakfast Club also continues. Thank you Nikki for giving me the strength to do these things for kids like you. Our heros!
Hugs to my hospital families, as for us dates and months are so much more as we remember...whether we want to or not, what the kids go through.
Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

thinking of Nikki

Karen posted this morning... now I see what Pat was talking about in the Good Morning thread. My DRM is in my mail pile at home, can't wait to open it up.

Article about our Nikki...
Posted 4 minutes ago
I just wanted to share this article that was written in the DRM. I think it is beautiful but makes me sound better than I am. It also doesn't show how hard it is to wake up every morning and again realize it wasn't just a bad dream, but that Nikki is really gone. I know that Nikki doesn't want me to be sad and I am trying my best...BUT IT IS SO HARD! When I signed up to be her mom...I didn't sign up for 7yrs and 10days. I wanted so much more for her and that part hurts. I wanted to see her grow up, go to her first school dance, watch daddy flip out as she went on her first date, go prom dress shopping with her, cry as she got married, and sooooo much more. I feel cheated. I am sorry Nikki...mommy just loves you and misses you so much. I hope you can forgive me....

Well anyhow, here is the link for the article:

http://bluetoad.com/publication/?i=66692&p=44

If you can't click on it please copy and paste.

Also, can you please remember Jillian and her family in your thoughts and prayers today. Hugs to all the "Cancer moms" and our hospital family. Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI....ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Karen's update from yesterday...

Kids, go hug your parents. Parents, go hug your kids.


How I feel...
Posted 22 hours ago
I Just Lost You
by Monica Eblen

How can I put your dying into words?
Are there words powerful enough
To describe the death of you?
And this lost, pain-filled me?

Where do all these tears come from?
Endlessly, they flow from my hurting eyes.
I wish they could drown out the awfulness
Of being in a life I don't recognize anymore.

Who am I now, without you?
I feel I've lost myself in a fog.
A mother without her child-
That's not supposed to be.

What will happen to me now?
A mother can't stop being a mother.
I know I shall go on loving you,
Your life has not ended for me.
___________________________________________________

I am sorry, but this is how I feel. I know I have Ashley, and she is WONDERFUL!.. but, do you know how hard it is to hear her say she misses Nikki or that she wants someone to play with. Sometimes her voice sounds just like Nikki and it is all I can do to hold back the tears. I never wanted an only child, and this loss is something I will never get over....

Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

P.S. Today I send out a BIG hug to all the moms out there that can't hold there child on Mothers Day...

Karen updated last night...

A touching letter...
Posted 10 hours ago
Dear Mr. Hallmark,
I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.
I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.
There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine
Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven.
She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she’s cried.
I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know
that though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.
She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,
Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?
My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.
So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth
I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.
Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you’ll do your best
I have done all I can do; to you I’ll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.
~ by Jody Seilheimer ~

***MISSING MY NIKKI....ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Karen is asking us to help...

Lets MAKE-A-WISH come true...
Posted 22 hours ago
I am asking everyone who reads this to please participate and pass on this info...

There is a 12 year old boy who is fighting a losing battle against leukemia. A story close to my heart. His wish is to receive one billion get well cards.... His time is limited, so please send the cards TODAY!

"Mighty" Max Low
c/o Greg and Bambi Low
P.O. Box 111
Neola, Iowa 51559

Thank you all in advance for making his wish come true.

***THINKING OF NIKKI AND MAX...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***

Karen posted a new pic:

Nikki's brick that was just placed at Twin Lakes (park close by) by the Compassionate Friends flower garden by the upper lake.

Continued prayers for Karen, Bob, and Ashley. Karen's update from yesterday

Time goes on..but the pain never fades.
Posted 23 hours ago
I can't believe it is mid June already. Another hard month, but they are all hard. June reminds me of Nikki's transplants. Her first was on the 29th (2007) and the 2nd on the 12th (2009). The 12th was also the last time the Penguins won the Stanley cup. Well, I better get the vacation I promised Ashley booked. Taking her to Hershey Park and Sesame Place. Maybe even the Crayola Factory if we have time. It will be nice and something different, which will be good. The word "different" describes our life. The saying that...time heals all wounds is CRAP! Time for me just makes the pain worse...and different. I am so tired of hurting....
So tired of people trying to fix me. Nothing will fix me unless you can bring Ashley's big sister back for her to play with.

So, we have started to sell 50/50 tickets at PRP when we get there. The racetrack is such a bitter sweet place. Wonderful friends, wonderful memories, but to many thoughts of what I wish could be. Seeing the jr. dragsters is hard. I just wish Nikki could have had the chance. Another wish gone...

As far as the Foundation, things are good. I will get more gift cards to the hospital this week. We have donated money to a few families in the area, payed for some hair pieces, and have a memory doodle in process. Thanks Lindsay! The upcoming events are Nikki's day at PRP...Aug 20th and a Gun Bash in Sept. thanks to Ben. I will sell tickets for the Gun Bash soon.

This upcoming weekend is the Relay for Life in Latrobe. I would love to again support this event but it is to hard, emotionally. The last time I walked the track was with Nikki and I want it to stay that way. She was so proud and I was so proud of her as she walked as a cancer survivor in 2008.

Just a reminder to keep giving blood. The kids need it. I believe in 2007 Nikki received approx. 50 transfusions and in 2009 approx. 140. Hard to believe but she received about 190 transfusions of packed red cells and platelets during her hospitalizations. I remember her getting 2 or 3 a day in the PICU...in 2009. It is that important, so please donate!

Until next time....hug those kids...

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***