That little girl brought a whole bunch of us together. We're a lot closer emotionally now that we ever were before. I can even put up with Guy Price. Now, that's saying something for her influence.

How I wish we could take their pain away. I've been wiping my eyes all morning, can't even begin to imagine what Karen and Bob are going through. And I am awed by their strength.

One month of pain.
Posted 6 hours ago
This is probably not the best time for me to post. As both Bob and Ashley are sleeping and I just sit here and cry. Trying to go to sleep each night is just the hardest thing to do. Everynight when I try, my mind just becomes overwhelmed with emotions. Things like I have had three pregnancies and only have one daughter to hold. So I cry and get back out of bed or don't even get into bed. I sit and cry, watch something stupid on TV, look at pictures of Nikki or sit on the computer as I am tonight. I still can not believe my Nikki is gone, let alone it being a whole month. I now have such pain, anger and guilt. I just want to go back in time and try to change so many things. I guess that I just want to do anything other than what I am doing now. I do manage to accomplish a few things a day now and get out of the house more. With all of the family and friend support, Bob and I actually "look" like we are okay. But I am here to tell you that we are not. We are just going through the motions that we must do for Ashley. I feel so bad for her sometimes when she hears me crying. Today we were out on the sidewalk and I said, there goes Nikki's school bus. She looked and said, I don't see Nikki. She looked at me and said, don't cry, I can be Nikki if you want me to be. I felt terrible that my 2 year old said that to me. I try my best everyday to tell Ashley that I love her as we play but I know she feels my pain and that is just not fair to her. Ashley has had a bit of a runny nose and tonight Bob said she felt warm. As he got the thermometer I could see him cry. Ashley is fine but the bad memories of always worrying about Nikki getting a fever just took over. We did have some nice visits this week. A few were from nurse Amanda, Miss W., and Nikki's friend Cameron. With my sisters help I even took Ashley to what she calls dance class. It is actually acrobatics class. The same place Nikki took acro and ballet. Ashley loved it. As Nikki is my artist, Ashley seems to be more dramatic or out going with her dancing and singing. So, tomorrow my task will be to see if I can actually get to the grocery store for more than bread or cat food. Our refrigerator is bare and I can't put it off any longer. I am sure it will be hard. I can't even make certain meals because they are Nikki's favorites. Everything just ends up being about her and makes me miss her even more. I now have a daily headache and don't even care. I did finally get my chipped tooth fixed this week. Remember, I chipped it in the hospital in June. Speaking of June, that was when Nikki and I got the Flashes of Hope pictures taken at the hospital. They should be in next week. As hard as it will be, I am looking forward to getting them. I will post a few when I can. I am sure they will be beautiful with Nikki's smile and her bear. I even miss bear and the stuffing coming out of his nose from being washed too many times. It was an easy decision that bear would go with Nikki, yet I would just love to hold him now too. Well, I will try to finish my crying for the night and get some rest. Please keep the songs and stories coming. Please keep all of the children fighting cancer in prayer as this is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. There are so many special things going on to remember Nikki, and as they develope I will let everyone know. And thanks to the kids who raised money all summer and are donating it to Childrens Hospital in Nikki's name. And, one final thing. PLEASE keep the Slother family in your prayers. The 23rd of this month will be a year that sweet little Alyssa went to heaven. I now know their pain and just hate the fact that so many parents are losing their kids to cancer. It really hurts and nothing that anyone can do will make it better once your child is gone. I pray for the cure to someday stop all the pain. God Bless and goodnight, Karen

Karen,

We are still here and praying if there is anything we can do Please let us know !!!!

This song has got to be one of the BEST songs I have found that provides comfort in times such as this.....Please know we are still praying for you and your family....God bless!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1eLe52EH8k

Karen's latest update:

Time just keeps going.
Posted 10 hours ago
Here I am, back at the computer as Bob and Ashley sleep. No tears yet tonight, but I have already shed enough today. I am slowly going through boxes from the hospital and it is a challenge. It will take me along time to get through everything. Some things make me smile, but most make me sad. I just miss her so much!!! Another week has gone by as I still try to figure out the road that God has me on. Bob and Ashley are okay. Bob just got a tattoo this week that looks exactly like the "Thinking of Nikki" stickers. I am in the process of getting the details of mine figured out and will share it when it is done. I did go and give blood this week and will do this as often as I can before my tattoo. Then after I wait my year, I will start again. Please donate! For kids like Nikki it is so important. In 2007 they hung blood or platelets only 38 times, but in 2009 she received blood products atleast 139 times. It is just that important, so don't forget. Sunday the 20th should have been Nikki's +100 day post transplant. Instead, Bob and I are now part of the bereaved parent group and Ashley doesn't have her playmate anymore. I do alot of reading when I can now. It helps some but talking to friends have helped me the most. So, THANK YOU for listening, sharing and crying with me. There will be a tree dedication coming up and we also have purple wristbands coming. Remember to keep the stories coming. Thinking of Nikki...Always and Forever. Karen

I'll post pics Monday or Tuesday. I'm at PRP for bracket finals waiting for the rain to pass now. Our team shirts have the Nikki sticker on the sleeve, and our bleacher section has pink balloons mixed in with our black and gold team colors. None of us will forget her ever.

I smile every time I think of Bob telling me the story of Nikki waiving her witches wand over Greg's engine when it lost oil pressure, and all it ended up being was the oil pump pickup. And how she didn't want anything to do with any kind of racing until she sat in the stands at a drag race and was hooked because she loved all the different colors of the cars. Sounds just like Makenzie. She sets in front of the TV and says I'll pick the blue one or the red one etc.

And Bob I won't forget the jello .

Good luck Chuck and the rest of team PRP at the Bracket Finals. Hope you all get some racing in tomorrow.

Well, the racing didn't work out, but the shirts are worth more than gold to me.

Those are cool!!!!

Good Job !!!!

ditto!!

Okay I'm crying again! Miss you Nikki!! You did good designing your stickers!!

Karen updated last night, grab tissues:

Precious photos.
Posted 11 hours ago
I just posted some of the photos from Flashes of Hope. Be sure to check them out. As I look at them I have to thank Amanda for delivering them (and visiting) and the 9B staff for forcing us to get them done that day. Mostly Bethany for working around getting them done, because as I recall it was a very busy day. The days now are not very busy. Rather slow and if I don't have anything planned, rather hard to get moving. Mornings and nights remain the hardest. Bob and I just miss Nikki so much and I know there are others out there that do as well. Life is and will never be the same. I don't want it to go on without Nikki, yet I continue to try my best for Ashley. I did go to church for the first time since being home. Not to my church, since that would have been to hard, but to church. As I took communion all I could think of is that Nikki used to call it her "mini snack" at church. Thanks Howard for inviting me to your church. I get out of the house mostly for Ashley. I try to keep her busy. I was alittle disappointed that she did not want any parts of going to "dance class" tonight, but I remember Nikki doing the same thing at that age. I have had a few signs from Nikki, Bob has had one and I think Ashley is still getting them to. She continues to include Nikki in her daily conversation which is so bitter sweet. I even found myself putting things up on Nikki's room walls this week that we talked about at the hospital. Just trying to keep my promises. It is all I have left to do for her and that is the hardest part. As I close tonight, please continue to keep the kids and there families that are still in battle in your prayers. I do, because no one should feel the pain that we do. God Bless! Karen

Here's one of the pics... more tissues please.

Tissues--need more than tissues! Nikki, you continue to share your smiles and your faith! You are our Angel! A true gift from God and a true gift to Heaven! Miss you and miss "Bear". Keep smiling my friend! Love you Bob, Karen and Ashley!

I hope I get asked a lot about the sticker on my truck today. I'll proudly tell the story about how a bunch of dirt bag drag racers rallied around a common cause and fell in love with a little angel.
Damn, I can't see to type thru the mist.

quote:

Tree dedication.
Posted 9 hours ago
This coming weekend on saturday, Oct. 10th, there will be a short ceremony in Youngstown,Pa with the planting of a tree to remember Nikki. It is at a small park just up from Youngstown VFD. And after, there will be coffee and donuts at the Social Hall. Should start around 9:30am. Just wanted to let everyone know.

THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!

Wish I could go !!

54 days without Nikki
Posted 1 day ago
I have realized that if I keep busy and get out of the house more, the better I can manage. Now don't get me wrong, I still cry everyday and know I will miss Nikki FOREVER. Mornings and nights are still hard. If you have not lost a child, don't even try to think that you understand because you don't. You just don't. I have come to believe that Ashley is my miracle and I have to believe that her gift (being a perfect match) to Nikki during her first battle was a miracle. It just will never make sense to me why it had to come back and take my sweet, innocent daughter away from me. I know that Nikki is smiling, skipping and in a wonderful place holding hands with Jesus, but I just miss holding that hand.
______________________________________
My Little Angel

You’ve just walked on ahead of me
And I’ve got to understand
You must release the ones you love
And let go of their hand.

I try and cope the best I can
But I’m missing you so much
If I could only see you
And once more feel your touch.

Yes, you’ve just walked on ahead of me
Don’t worry I’ll be fine
But now and then I swear I feel
Your hand slip into mine.
________________________________________(I am so wishing to feel that!)

The tree dedication was very special to me and I want to thank everyone involved with the process and everyone who attended. It will always be a nice place to visit and think about wonderful memories. I will post a few pictures soon.

Also, I have wristbands as well as Linda. You can email Linda at lindadragon@comcast.net with your name, address, how many and what size. The sizes are youth or adult. The youth fits most ladies unless you have a thicker wrist. The difference in sizes is not much. We are accepting $3.00 per band and all profits go to making improvements to the playground at Pitts. Raceway Park. I remember Nikki telling me that it needed some work and we plan on doing that for all the other kids. I am sure we will make a sign as well to remember Nikki. Thank you in advance for your support or to those who already got bands at the track this past weekend.

Well, off to bed I go. I will post pictures soon. Remembering all the kids and families from hospital tonight. God Bless and goodnight, Karen

Missing Nikki!

There go the water works again.
My kids and I talked about a rose bush in a city rose garden for my wife Diane after she passed away. She loved roses. I'm ashamed to say we haven't done it, but I am now. I've procrastinated too long.