Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights
each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife
thinks he's pushing himself too hard so, for his
birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
'Hey, Bob! How ya doin'?' Bob's wife is
puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling
league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if
he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
Bob's wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and
says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her,' said Bob, 'she's the
waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end
of the first nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws
her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and
says, 'Hi, Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big
boy?' Bob's wife, now furious , grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob
tries to desperately explain how the stripper must have
mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none
of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every four-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez, Bob,
you picked up a real ***** this time.'

Bob's funeral is on Tuesday.

that was a classic!

Dave

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda. Meanwhile gramps is working his way around saying in a controlled voice, 'easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy'.
Another outburst and she hears gramps calmly say, 'it's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here, hang in there.'
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset -- we'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert'.
Very impressed the woman goes up to gramps as he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. The w**** time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa'.
'Thanks, lady,' said gramps, 'but I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Johnny'

Drug Used to Seduce Men

Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer" is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers...

Shot To The Heart

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
'Because it's not safe', replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad', said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife is coming on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose.'
The doctor finally relented, saying, 'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'
The man replied, 'No one showed up.'

The old man struggles to get up from the couch then Starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her Rocker then begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the hell are you going''

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'mgetting a tetanus shot.'

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the w**** family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Hurricane Survival Kit


Toilet Paper........................................check

Bud Light...........................................check

Keystone Ice.. ....................................check

Budweiser..........................................check

Red Dog.............................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol...........check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on ......

CHECK!

> > A married couple, in their early 60's, was celebrating
> > their 45th
> > wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
> > Suddenly, a
> > tiny
> > beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.
> >
> > She said: 'For being such an exemplary married couple
> > and especially at
> > this time, .............. I will grant you each a
> > wish.'
> >
> > 'Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World
> > with my darling
> > husband' ..
> >
> > The fairy waved her magic wand ; and - poof! - two tickets
> > for the Queen
> > Mary II luxury liner and TenThousand Dollars appeared in
> > her hands.
> >
> > Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a minute
> > and said:
> > 'Well, this is all very romantic, but a n opportunity
> > like this will
> > never come again.
> >
> > So I'm going with my mind and not my Heart '. '
> > I'm sorry my love, but my
> > wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than
> > me.'
> >
> > The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed.
> >
> > But a wish is a wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand,
> > and -
> > Poof! - the husband became 92 years old...
> >
> > The Moral of the story...
> >
> >
> > Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember... Fairies
> > are Female...

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided
>to take them to the county fair and sell them.
>
>
>
>At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
>After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split
>everything 50/50.
>
>
>
>The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive
>thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs
>mate. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got
>up at 5 A.M, loaded the pigs into the family station wagon,
>which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
>
>
>
>While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How
>will I know if they are pregnant?"
>
>
>
>The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass
>in
>the morning, they're pregnant. If they' re in the mud,
>they're
>not."
>
>
>
>The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed
>them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and
>proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more
>than a week.
>
>
>
>The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He
>called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me
>whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
>
>
>
>"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the
>station wagon and
>one of them is honking the horn."

Two people of Polish decent get on a airplane going to Poland, they sit down in 1st class, the stewardess asks to see their tickets and she advises them they have coach seating and have to move to the back of the plane. The men say "We go to Poland, we go to Poland" and refuse to leave their seats. This goes on for a few minutes when the captain comes out and asks whats the problem, the stewardess advises him of the situation. The captain leans over and whispers something in their ears, they immediately get up and go to the back of the plane, the stewardess is dumbfounded and asks the captain what he told them, he said he simply told them that this part of the plane doesnt got to Poland.

Gary Federico

A modern day cowboy has spent man days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He is crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what appears to be an old brief case! He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook and she has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well cowboy," says the genie..."You know how I work. You have three wishes!" "I'm not falling for this," the cowboy said. "I'm not going to trust an IRS genie!" She smiled and said: "What do you think you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you are a gonner anyways!" The cowboy thinks for a minutes and decides that the genie is right! He said: "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink!" ***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis has has ever seen and he is surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. The genie said: Okay, cowpoke, what's you second wish?" To which the old cowboy replies: "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams!" ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surround by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. The genie then said: "Okay cowpuncher, you have just one more wish! Better make it a good one!" After consider able thought the cowboy says: "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women want and need me!" ****POOF****
He turned into a Tampon!

Moral of the story: If the government offers you anything you can bet there's gonna be a string attached!

GOOD ONE GUY

WHAT A BLOW TO THE EGO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



A guy and a girl meet at a bar.


They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."


The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did You figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.
After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a GOOD dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How
did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls
and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,
"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this,
yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So,
I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

An undertaker comes home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?"asks his wife.


"I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker.


"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there,the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he
had this huge erection.Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big, naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."


"I see," says his wife."But how did you get the black eye?"


The undertaker replies, "Wrong room."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, " Kemo
Sabe, look towards sky; what you see? "

The Lone Ranger replies, " I see millions of stars. "

"What that tell you? " asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, " Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you,Tonto? "

" You dumber than buffalo crap. Someone stole tent. "