[QUOTE]Please light a candle.
Posted 12 minutes ago
Join me on Sunday, December 13, 2009 along with other bereaved families, for The Compassionate Friends Worldwide Candle Lighting.

Visit The Compassionate Friends website to find a formal service near you, or light a candle in your home at 7 PM knowing you will be joined by hundreds of thousands of people who are thinking about the children around the world who are gone, but continue to live on in the hearts that they touched.
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***************THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER*******************

Karen
[/QUOTE

Just got this off Nikki's care page.

Just want my Nikki back.
Posted 16 minutes ago
As we approuch 4 months (I can't believe.) and Christmas, Bob and I struggle to understand the "why" of our little Nikki being gone. We get through the days around people but at home it is very hard. As I have said before we may look good on the outside but on the inside we are dying and have broken hearts without Nikki. The following poem and letter are beautiful and I want to share them. Maybe someday I will accept what they truely say.

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If before you were born, I could have gone to Heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you.

If God had told me, "this soul will one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "that one day this soul may make my heart bleed", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make me question the depth of my faith", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul would make tears flow from my eyes that would overflow a river", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "our time spent together here on earth could be short", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "this soul may one day make me witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you...

If He had told me, "all that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you...

Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you...

Thank you God for letting me be her Mommy…
Author Unknown
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Please check this letter out:
http://wandascountryhome.com/oneday/

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THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!!!
Karen

Keep smiling that beautiful smile, Nikki! Miss you and love you!

Forever 53...miss you!

Thinking of you all, especially today and tomorrow.

Thinking of you all...

Me Too!

Thinking about you all today. I'm wearing my bracket finals tshirt here at work today, so I have Nikki and Mark with me to ring in the new year.

I am from the 'hood... so 'hood style, I poured a little champagne outside on New Year's Eve to remember Nikki, Mark, and others.

2010...what does it mean?
Posted 18 hours ago
Sorry it has been so long since my last update. I started several different times to update but would become either angry or too sad to finish. It has been very hard to say the least. Christmas Eve seemed to be the worst. Very emotional for Bob and I. Maybe Christmas was better because we just felt knumb. I was able to give some special gifts and sure hope that they mean as much to the people that I gave them to as it meant to me giving them. I also received some VERY special gifts that I will treasure forever. It meant so much that many of you did not forget about Nikki at Christmas and helped to keep her spirit alive. Ashley had fun and seemed to enjoy all of the activities. She even sat on Santa's lap for the first time on Christmas Eve. It did seem that she was looking for Nikki's help to open her gifts like last year, and that broke my heart. Of course things were not the same, as they will never be. I do need to say a huge THANK YOU for the donations in Nikki's name, messages, the cards, and the text messages to let me know that you are all out there to support us. Believe me, I needed it and still do. I went to see my counselor on New Years Eve and just lost it. All of my emotions just came poring out as I didnt want 2009 to end. I know that may sound crazy, but I "had" Nikki in 2009. 2010 to me was going to mean a new year without Nikki and more time passing. It already seems like forever since I held her hand or gave her a hug. I would just love to hear her say, "Mommy, Nikki need a hug." She would say that in the hospital and I would ALWAYS give her one. Now I feel like saying,"Nikki, mommy need a hug." A special friend told me she understood what I was saying but did give me another way to look at the time passing. That each day gone is one day closer to my time of seeing Nikki. I so can't wait for that day. As we rang in the New Year at home with a few special people here with us... I rang our bell 7 times for Nikki. Then when Ashley and Bob went to bed, myself, Sandy and Amanda sat up all night and watched home videos of Nikki. It was very special and made me smile until we came to the last one and I knew that I would never have more to watch. I still want more... I was not done being her mom and not done being her nurse. I could have done it but was not given the chance. And now I have to figure out what I am supposed to do. What I am to do with my life, to honor Nikki and to never forget who and what she was and is. And to figure out how to live without her by my side. That is the hard part that I don't want to do. I really don't want to do it anymore. My next task is to plan Ashley's 3rd birthday party, and again I will miss my helper. I know I have so much to be thankful for and I am. I am just missing Nikki more each day. I will keep trying my best. Please remember all of my friends who have also lost someone, and the ones still in their battles. I love you all! Karen

*THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!*
*FOREVER 53*

Thinking of Nikki....

Bon thanks so much for sharing this with us!

"Thinking of Nikki....Bob, Karen & Ashley"....

Posted earlier today

A note to my Nikki...
Posted 55 minutes ago
Dear Nikki, I just wanted to say thank you for giving me the strength to get through Ashley's birthday party yesterday. After I sat in your room and cried in the morning, I knew you would help me do what I needed to do. I think she really liked her iCarly party. As soon as everyone left she fell asleep after being so entertaining and having so much fun. I don't know Nik... she is crazy, isn't she? Did you see everyone here? Family, and a few special friends. If you don't know by now, I want you to know how much everyone loves you and misses you. A few went to your room to say hello and feel closer to you like I do. Ashley and Cameron told me yesterday how much they miss you too. The party just wasn't the same without you and that makes me cry. We did the best we could. This is one thing I wish everyone just understood Nik. Mommy is and won't ever be the person I used to be since you went to heaven. It means that this is me without my Nikki. The new me will cry alot, be sad, and just have days where I feel that I can't go on. It is just how it is now. It doesn't mean I won't keep trying my best or that I won't make it. I don't need people to tell me how to act or feel. Things won't get better with time because the whole in my heart for you will always be there. So Nikki, please help people understand that they do not need to say anything sometimes or atleast try to think before they speak. I am sure you would love Ashleys new bed with the slide. We just have to get it together yet. Today I remember your 3rd birthday party. It was a Wiggles party and as usual we had a big picnic outside. Mommy and daddy couldn't agree on your gift so you got both. The trampoline and the battery 4-wheeler. You have always been so spoiled girl...and daddy and I are so glad that you were. Did you see how tall Ashley is getting? She is about 2-3 inches taller than you when you turned 3. Just depends if she has her heels on or not. Haha. Well, I need to go and get a shower now. Just know I love you Nikki and can't what to see you again. Keep playing and if it is not to much to ask...give me and daddy a sign every once in awhile. Love, Mommy XXOO!

I just want to thank everyone for Ashley's birthday gifts. Also, please remember to keep our hospital families in your prayers. Karen

"THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!"
"FOREVER 53"

Karen, Bob, and Ashley came to the car show this weekend. Karen and Bob were having a tough day. It is always good to see them, tough day or not.

Over the weekend, heaven gained another angel . Deepest sympathies to the Miller family, and I hope Heather and Nikki are having a joyous reunion.

Last evening another beautiful child earned her wings from our hospital family. I know the pain that the family will now face, so please pray for The Miller family. Heather had a smile like my Nikki, so I am sure they will meet again. My thoughts and prayers to the family...as no other words will fit. Karen

"THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!"

"FOREVER #53"

F.R.O.G.......HEATHER MILLER

Saying prayers for all our little Angels! God speed Heather!!

Tears and comfort...
Posted 17 hours ago
Silent Tears...
We go through life with a broken heart, though most days you will see us smile.
We get through those days knowing it is just one more, closer to seeing them again.
We still laugh, we still play with other children, ours or our friends’, and we still live,
Yet the spark in our eyes is gone, yet the joy inside has left.
Some days, we adventure out, some days we just don’t.
And sometime when we do, reality hits hard so we turn around and run back to safety.
We can be strong but mostly because we have no choice.
If asked how we are, we will usually say ok just so we can escape,
Escape more questions or unwanted advice about how it is time to move on,
We are afraid and we panic at the thought of forgetting a little more each day,
Their voice, their smell, and the way they kissed us, the way they felt in our arms,
How it sounded when they said our name and even their favorite food...
You might see us walking through graves at all hours or the day and night,
You might hear us talk to a picture on the wall, or a box setting on a shelf,
Remember to never question why we do this; it is not an easy thing
To go sit on our children's grave to share our day with them,
Or lay in their bed, reading their favorite book,
Knowing they will never be there again to turn the next page
Before we are done saying the last word.
See, we don't really want to go on without them, we just don't.
They are our hearts, our souls. They make the sunshine and the rain fall,
They send us snow kisses and flower petals in the wind,
They paint rainbows and sunsets, they bring us butterflies and lady bugs,
They always have, just now; they do it from Heaven...
Heaven is where our children had to go so they could be free...
But we are left behind...
And now we go through life with our broken hearts, though most days you will see us smile,
But remember next time when you see us smile as you go by your day,
Remember that at night, as you go to bed and close your eyes,
Silent tears roll down our cheeks as we cry ourselves to sleep one more time. Author unknown.

A surprise gift of comfort...
Yesterday I recieved an unexpected box in the mail. I need to send out a huge THANK YOU to Kimberli and Beth whom I have never met, but have now given me a new sense of peace with their BEAUTIFUL gift. THANK YOU so much for "Faith". I can't even describe how I felt when I opened it, but it was wonderful! To know that people are still thinking of Nikki and my family is just an amazing feeling. So, I must say THANK YOU as the support, love, and unexpected cards and gifts continue. Karen

***THINKING OF NIKKI...ALWAYS AND FOREVER!!!***